The Battle of Bollocks Tower (RPG)

Hello all and welcome to my tale. One night we were all pretty high on Pepsi and pizza and decided to have a short and quick game before we conked out. Just four of us without any of you guys. Anyways, here it is.

Summary
It all starts on a asteroid that hosts an astro-state known as Bollocks Tower. Recently, cat sized teleporting spiders have been all the rage, or rather, have been raging all the cities. Three guys met outside of the only remaining city and decided to band together to figure out the source of these annoying arthropods and kill them all off.

Story
Admiral X Winters VI of the URM Navy did not share his history, however the others decided that he was an alcoholic trying to escape his past. Sprock was someone weird who had a beard and a scarf. Broply Nol was the greatest hero the asteroid had known, he only had a tube of toothpaste but he was the coolest guy you knew. Anyways, the three decided to band together to fight the spider threat.

The first thing they did was a HILT classic, find the nearest bar. They entered the pub and demanded drinks but were refused. So Sprock delivered a d19 roundhouse kick then stomped on his face, completely destroying the guy. X immediately ignored the body and searched for alcohol to satiate his anxiety but instead found a teleporting spider. He quickly killed it, earning alcoholic spider meat and a liver that teleports the eater. They decided to wait for no reason but then Sprock knocked X out randomly, prompting people to enter and ask what was going on. And so they met Kitty Jetpack, a cat mech wearer. He joined the team as Sprock's loyal man, helping to fight off three spiders that showed up. Sprock threw X's unconscious body into the spiders, where one bit him and X teleported to an abandoned city elsewhere.

Sprock grabbed some beer then he, Kitty, and Broply flew to the abandoned city to beat X up. X woke up before they arrived then tried to hide in an abandoned liquor store, where he found a bottle of poisoned hand sanitizer, as well as a LV 2 spider. He decided that running away was a good idea and took a bite of the spider liver, teleporting to the Research Station in low orbit. The spider came out to confront the others who decided that killing X was more important so they also ran away, flying towards the Station. They encountered flying spiders so they killed one then landed at the Radio Tower. Broply, being the cool guy he was, offered a technician some toothpaste, but the tech took offense and killed the greatest hero that lived on their asteroid. Sprock avenged his murder by taping a taser to his foot and roundhouse kicking the guy to death. Another technician, Broh, noticed this and decided to join the team instead of dying similarly. Meanwhile on the Station, X realized that research scientists are usually drunks and that they probably had a stash of alcohol onboard. So instead of searching for spider related information he found a gallon of tequila. Sprock still wanted to kill X so he and Broh came up with a plan that involved one of the greatest feats of all time. Sprock borrowed Broh's mech suit and took off on top of Kitty, who blew up when Sprock used his damaged rocket boots. The force of the resulting explosion sent Sprock hurtling towards the station at a speed faster than any man has a right to. Using his one remaining foot, Sprock delivered one of the most beautifully executed roundhouse kicks of all time, completely obliterating the Research Station in a glorious fireball. Fortunately, X saw him coming and took another bite of his spider liver, albeit losing an arm from the explosion, teleporting to the top of the Radio Tower.

As nearby spiders did not die or become confused, Broh realized that the Radio Tower was the broadcasting source of the spider commands so he took an iron bar to the support columns, taking the massive tower down. X ate the last of his spider liver as he fell, teleporting to the main city. He sold his rancid spider meat for a bottle of good wine. It is unknown what happened to Sprock or Broh, but Broh and Broply Nol will always be remembered as the heroes of the Battle of Bollocks Tower in the Great Spider Hunt.